No closer to knowing

Hello there, World.

It's been a strange couple of days. Ever since it clicked in my head that this Sunday is our comissioning service, and I just need to get over there, I've been antsy and full of pent up emotion in wanting it. The lack of information as to when that will happen makes me want to jump on a trampoline angrily and powerfully until I laugh and don't want to cry anymore.

I am very thankful to the people that see me. I'm glad to be kept busy here, assisting the burden of my leaders. We got fingerprinted today as part of our background check to leave. I looked at my watch all morning, so excited to be doing SOMETHING  to make it all happen.

I lead a spiritual discipline that I'd never heard of until I was assigned to it last Summer. It's a contemplative, listening to God and introspective process that has five steps. It's always very humbling, and I always learn something about what's really behind my emotions.

It goes like this-
 -Become aware of God's presence.
-Review the day with gratitude
-Pay attention to your emotions
-Choose one feature from the day and pray from it
-Look forward to tomorrow

It's amazing how much our emotions show what is really in our hearts, and what is really affecting our actions. That point of choosing one aspect of the day to pray from often sounds like, "When I was impatient and rude at that moment, I was placing myself as more important than that person. Please forgive me Lord, and help me to have a more gracious spirit."

I like the last aspect because it is so hopeful. Tomorrow won't be perfect, but I will be closer to you, Jesus. Today I acknowledged that I am transitioning, and transition is stinking hard. Goodbyes, a whole new life. A new unit. A new culture and language. And we still need money for those plane tickets. I need a date to know when to prepare myself for the real thing. But I don't get it yet so I have to trust God and be at peace anyway. He is in control. I can sing it, but can I live it? I'm trying.

Thank you for listening, whoever you are. God bless you.

Katie