Nothing makes you feel raw like having your iniquities spoken about. We went to a bible study yesterday and one of the questions asked was, "How would really seeing God's holiness affect your everyday life?"
Without thinking I responded with something along the lines of, Well, I would be forced to see how 90 percent of what I do is worthless, and I would be ashamed of my sins. I would see how disgusting I look in comparison to God and I would be on my face. I would walk with more of a perspective of how short the time we have is, and how many more people need to know that God is real and need a chance to get to heaven.
And speaking the truth and being able to rattle it off sucked the air out of my stomach and made my heart feel like a deflated bag.
This has been a lonely time. I have an office. I have a large computer screen. I have a phone. I have a place to sleep. I have food to eat. I get to borrow all these things while I live and work in Southern California, while I'm waiting to get back to South Africa.
What's inside of me? Who am I? Covenant Players can pride themselves on being able to answer that question a little bit easier than some people because we have a play and an exercise about answering that question. But I know that it only means that I have a few more answers reserved in my repertoire. It's not as comprehensive as it could be. It's a postive list of all the things I'd like people to know about me. It's a facebook presentable squeaky clean image of a really cool life and skills acquired.
A huge part of my identity is being a Covenant Player, of course. I travel, I do plays, I am a part of a small team that needs me. Sometimes when I am on vacation, I feel lost because I don't have those things to define me. And for the past three weeks now, I'm not doing any of those things. Who am I without a small team that needs me? That must be something akin to what new empty nesters feel like. I'd like to understand people better, and know what makes them feel like they have a purpose.
I know that the Christians purpose is a lot simpler than it is made out to be. Try to realize the Lord's holiness and be ashamed by it and get the focus off of ourselves and into the Kingdom of God.
I deserve less than I think I do. It's not about me.
Every person can glorify God -- even if they are without a fully working body or mind. You are extremely articulate in your recognition of God and His holiness. You glorify Him by recognizing His majesty over your life and how he has saved and redeemed you again and again. And in this lonely time I am praying that you will be able to let him hold your worth (says the woman who has a crisis of confidence at the drop of a hat) and rest in it. Bless you and looking forward to seeing you soon!
ReplyDeleteThank you Penni. I'm so glad you took the time to share this. He holds our worth, that honor can't come from a finished to-do list, (ha ha, a finished to-do list, that would be a miracle!) or any man-given recognition. It can only come from the lover of our souls.
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