Surviving Guilt?

Hello.

So apparently, there are fierce debates as to when the second trimester starts. Somewhere between week 12 and week 14, according to my internet research. One counter says Week 13 day 3, which I'll hit on Sunday. 

I feel like everywhere I turn my head I'm reading about people who have lost their twins. It makes me want to to just turn off all electronic things and read the backs of shampoo bottles. 

Since my early miscarriage, I've joined a facebook community called Hope Mommy's. If anyone reading this has endured a loss, I do recommend it. There are four parts, one general community, one called Hope Babies, which is to remember and honor the memory of the lost children,  one called New Journey, for those who are actively trying again or for those who are open to the possibility. And then there is New Blessing, for the those who have conceived again to comfort and encourage one another through the fear of carrying life again. I really appreciate how they keep them distint, because I can sure see how the overlap could really be crushing. One person who just lost their baby at 8 months reading about someone else desperately trying again can feel like a punch in the kidneys, I'm sure. 

I feel like I have managed to keep fear and stress at bay. As my baby's grow (peach sized now, woo hoo!) And my stomach starts to swell, I thank God and I am eating so healthy it's not even funny. (Lunch: cottage cheese, an avocado, and water) (And I didn't even instagram it.) 

But hearing about each loss, (especially of twins) even after I've unfollowed the pages for now, it still shows up. And makes me want to stick my fingers in my ear and say, "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" 

I know how obsessive my personality is. I know once I let fear in, I'm isolated and stressing, which isn't good for any of us. 

I feel like there is too much sadness and loss out there ( I have read story after story after story) that I feel like I have no right to celebrate openly. I even know how seeing hugely pregnant ladies can hurt those who want so badly to still be carrying their babies, or their first, so I'm sure I'll be feeling even more guilty then too.

So there's not a deep, profound purpose to this. I wish I could feel released. There isn't a pat answer, a religious, pull out your bible and BAM there's the answer. So few things in life really are that way. 

I've struggled with that for awhile. Wanting to find the truth in points A, B, and C to make the sticky situation in front of me clear and easy and conquerable. It feels so naive, now. In loss and identity and honesty, people are just more complicated than that. 

Be blessed.

Katie