Saturday, December 7, 2013

Crushing Therapy

If the me of a half a year could see the me of now- it would be disgusted. I have broken one of my cardinal laws of facebook. I have started playing a facebook game. I crush candy. The ovens are heating and the candy is being sampled right now. Before I crush it.
I am coming to an end in my life and it hurts and I hide from it with games and t.v. and my thoughts are so full. It's like a poem I read once about the joy of a small body being fit to burst. I am probably messing that line up royally, but the feeling has stuck. Too many emotions for one small surface. I am not a tardis, I am small and I don't have so much space. But the electricity of change and of being alive and feeling makes me feel infinite. It makes me feel like my soul is swireling around in my belly and surging and reaching.

My husband and I are going to the States this Christmas. I will not be able to call my country "The States" anymore. I will not be getting the looks of "Oooh, cool foreigner" when I announce where I am from. (I will still have to explain that yes, I am from Utah, but no, I am not mormon, nor do I share my husband with any other women.)

I feel like my world is going to get so much smaller being around people that so often refuse to see that the world is bigger. I feel sick about how I am going to miss my friends, but I don't want to let an unacceptance to change turn me into a difficult, whiny gollum who doesn't fit anywhere.

Change can't go without acceptance. Acceptance means, "This is it, This is where you are. You aren't there anymore. You are here. Here is good. There is not bad, but it is not anymore. It is a memory that can either help you or it can hold you back. Don't turn there into a sour thing, or a "good old days" It was all so easy and fun and perfect! Because that's just dumb.

I know the Lord is giving me wisdom and allowing me to feel a bit of a release, as I need it. I have never been a fan of the fast bandaid. I have needed it to feel real a little bit at a time. It still doesn't feel completely real. We are leaving Europe this month. Okay. I think I need to crush some candy before I cry.

I didn't say I'd reached total wisdom in this process.