Nothing makes you feel raw like having your iniquities spoken about. We went to a bible study yesterday and one of the questions asked was, "How would really seeing God's holiness affect your everyday life?"
Without thinking I responded with something along the lines of, Well, I would be forced to see how 90 percent of what I do is worthless, and I would be ashamed of my sins. I would see how disgusting I look in comparison to God and I would be on my face. I would walk with more of a perspective of how short the time we have is, and how many more people need to know that God is real and need a chance to get to heaven.
And speaking the truth and being able to rattle it off sucked the air out of my stomach and made my heart feel like a deflated bag.
This has been a lonely time. I have an office. I have a large computer screen. I have a phone. I have a place to sleep. I have food to eat. I get to borrow all these things while I live and work in Southern California, while I'm waiting to get back to South Africa.
What's inside of me? Who am I? Covenant Players can pride themselves on being able to answer that question a little bit easier than some people because we have a play and an exercise about answering that question. But I know that it only means that I have a few more answers reserved in my repertoire. It's not as comprehensive as it could be. It's a postive list of all the things I'd like people to know about me. It's a facebook presentable squeaky clean image of a really cool life and skills acquired.
A huge part of my identity is being a Covenant Player, of course. I travel, I do plays, I am a part of a small team that needs me. Sometimes when I am on vacation, I feel lost because I don't have those things to define me. And for the past three weeks now, I'm not doing any of those things. Who am I without a small team that needs me? That must be something akin to what new empty nesters feel like. I'd like to understand people better, and know what makes them feel like they have a purpose.
I know that the Christians purpose is a lot simpler than it is made out to be. Try to realize the Lord's holiness and be ashamed by it and get the focus off of ourselves and into the Kingdom of God.
I deserve less than I think I do. It's not about me.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Learning how to run
We're in California. There isn't anything we can do to hurry the paperwork that's in the mail that will enable us to get back to South Africa. I feel very hopeful about getting back. It's more than a little strange to be living something like a 9 to 5 life here. Obviously it's not, because I don't stop being a missionary when the clock hits 5, just like I don't stop being a Christian. That's just when we head back to our host home, and I get my exercise clothes on and start walking.
This is my habit for the past week. My habit during the week is seeing where I can be a blessing, especially trying to find a place to sleep for my friends/colleagues that are going to be traveling in my old neck of the woods. It's hard to not feel jealous of them, who are going to be ministering to my city, being so close to my family. To be able to share your passion in your own home, that is a huge gift. I'm jealous of my team in South Africa getting to do programs for schools and pre-schools right now too. I'm on the phone and in front of a computer with not much to look forward to performance wise for a little while now.
I don't mean to sound like such a whiner. I am learning how to run. That's a gift. I never thought I would get into that. It's amazing how slow a minute walked is, and how fast a minute ran is. To see the distance covered, to feel the relief in stopping. To feel my legs get stronger, and to be able to look forward to doing it again tomorrow.
My life has been so full of changes these past few months. Even more than the usual, expected ones. The ususal, expected ones being, new plays, new hosts, calling people like crazy finding a place to sleep, finding a place to perform, It's new things, but all around the world it works the same. But we've been learning how to spend longer than a few days, how to cook for ourselves, how to do dishes, how to sit still. It's strange and I know I have to stop comparing it to what I'd rather be doing. I have to be still and know that God is good and wants us here. I have to work harder to be a blessing and to not look inward no matter how natural that is.
Thank you for your prayers!
This is my habit for the past week. My habit during the week is seeing where I can be a blessing, especially trying to find a place to sleep for my friends/colleagues that are going to be traveling in my old neck of the woods. It's hard to not feel jealous of them, who are going to be ministering to my city, being so close to my family. To be able to share your passion in your own home, that is a huge gift. I'm jealous of my team in South Africa getting to do programs for schools and pre-schools right now too. I'm on the phone and in front of a computer with not much to look forward to performance wise for a little while now.
I don't mean to sound like such a whiner. I am learning how to run. That's a gift. I never thought I would get into that. It's amazing how slow a minute walked is, and how fast a minute ran is. To see the distance covered, to feel the relief in stopping. To feel my legs get stronger, and to be able to look forward to doing it again tomorrow.
My life has been so full of changes these past few months. Even more than the usual, expected ones. The ususal, expected ones being, new plays, new hosts, calling people like crazy finding a place to sleep, finding a place to perform, It's new things, but all around the world it works the same. But we've been learning how to spend longer than a few days, how to cook for ourselves, how to do dishes, how to sit still. It's strange and I know I have to stop comparing it to what I'd rather be doing. I have to be still and know that God is good and wants us here. I have to work harder to be a blessing and to not look inward no matter how natural that is.
Thank you for your prayers!
Friday, May 1, 2015
Back in the United States.........What?
Hello Friends and Family.
Few of you know this, but I have waited for my ministry's newsletter to make the news official before putting it here. My husband and I are back in the States. Dealing with Visa issues. We are in California and it is actually starting to feel real. It's been a few days. We need to get back to Africa. We will get back. God will do this, because God has called us. But for now, we are here to be a blessing. And for whatever other reasons He has. I'll try not to be presumptuous enough to know Why He does what He does.
I sure do miss my team. I sure do feel like there's something I'm missing. I feel like I am camping in a valley, and I can see ministry happening on the mountains on either side of me, but I'm stuck looking at them, feeling more than a twinge of jealousy. It's no fun to be at the mercy of some dumb peices of paper that will allow me to get back to where I am supposed to be.
But I know that God doesn't NEED me. He can raise missioners up from the stones. The gospel of grace, the Word can reveal Himself in a dream, in a heart tugging, in a beautiful miracle of nature, a flower, a wave of grass, a selfless act. Anything can bring about a moment of indescribable joy where the Lover of our souls woos us into desperate love and there is no turning back.
I am with a ministry that seeks to bring people closer to that same Holy Spirit with drama. There are so many ministries. People that work to get women and children out of the sex slave industry in South East Asia, or poor kidnapped Nigerian women in France. People that smuggle bibles. People that reach underprivileged Brooklyn children with the truth of who Jesus is through fun energetic programs. People pour their lives out in radio, TV, books, websites. Some are stationary, some are traveling.There are those who recite the Bible, and dance it and mime it. There are those who do the fund raising to be a part of making it possible. There are those who do the administration and accountability, the ones who cross the t's and dot the i's.
And we seeks to be faithful and we seek to give our best and believe in what we are doing and love our team members and our spouses and each other and spread the commission that We all need to be doing something.
We all need to be out there, reaching out, aware of the storm. Of course the Lord could dry it all up. He could hold his hand up and calm it. But while we see people suffering, and we have the capacity to do something, shouldn't we WANT to? Shouldn't it break our hearts to see others go under the water?
I got this picture from www.missionsplace.com. It is called, "Who Cares" and was a vision by William Booth, the founder of the Salvation Army.
Few of you know this, but I have waited for my ministry's newsletter to make the news official before putting it here. My husband and I are back in the States. Dealing with Visa issues. We are in California and it is actually starting to feel real. It's been a few days. We need to get back to Africa. We will get back. God will do this, because God has called us. But for now, we are here to be a blessing. And for whatever other reasons He has. I'll try not to be presumptuous enough to know Why He does what He does.
I sure do miss my team. I sure do feel like there's something I'm missing. I feel like I am camping in a valley, and I can see ministry happening on the mountains on either side of me, but I'm stuck looking at them, feeling more than a twinge of jealousy. It's no fun to be at the mercy of some dumb peices of paper that will allow me to get back to where I am supposed to be.
But I know that God doesn't NEED me. He can raise missioners up from the stones. The gospel of grace, the Word can reveal Himself in a dream, in a heart tugging, in a beautiful miracle of nature, a flower, a wave of grass, a selfless act. Anything can bring about a moment of indescribable joy where the Lover of our souls woos us into desperate love and there is no turning back.
I am with a ministry that seeks to bring people closer to that same Holy Spirit with drama. There are so many ministries. People that work to get women and children out of the sex slave industry in South East Asia, or poor kidnapped Nigerian women in France. People that smuggle bibles. People that reach underprivileged Brooklyn children with the truth of who Jesus is through fun energetic programs. People pour their lives out in radio, TV, books, websites. Some are stationary, some are traveling.There are those who recite the Bible, and dance it and mime it. There are those who do the fund raising to be a part of making it possible. There are those who do the administration and accountability, the ones who cross the t's and dot the i's.
And we seeks to be faithful and we seek to give our best and believe in what we are doing and love our team members and our spouses and each other and spread the commission that We all need to be doing something.
We all need to be out there, reaching out, aware of the storm. Of course the Lord could dry it all up. He could hold his hand up and calm it. But while we see people suffering, and we have the capacity to do something, shouldn't we WANT to? Shouldn't it break our hearts to see others go under the water?
I got this picture from www.missionsplace.com. It is called, "Who Cares" and was a vision by William Booth, the founder of the Salvation Army.
I thank you all for your prayers and for believing in us. If you'd like to receive a personal email or letter, please message me your email address or post address, and I'd like to send you information about how you can be more personally involved with us.
Thank you and God bless you all!
Katie
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