I'm not good enough. I'm not where I need to be. I start too many sentences and thoughts with the word "I."
I am haunted by some things, that aren't as bad as what others have been through...
okay, time out-
We can't compare what we know in our heads to be "not as bad" or "painful" as other peoples. That is just not worth the time it takes to express that thought. Other people have it worse, but so what? You have valid emotions and your heart ache is equal in God's heart to anyone elses.
And we're back.
I am in public ministry. I have been stuck into the lie that being where people can see me means I can't say that I'm not okay. There's nothing like being home with family to show you for who you really are.
I am impatient and have unforgiveness and anxious about things I can't change. I have entitlement issues. I have abandonment issues. God is working in me, and is using my emotional reactions to show where my beliefs are. I am going to let His grace be sufficiant. Maybe if we shared our weaknesses with each other more often, we wouldn't feel so trapped and alone. Maybe we could go up and ask for prayer without shame, or ask our friends. Maybe we wouldn't wait until we felt totally "holy" to pray for someone else.
God is doing big things and I don't know about you, but I'm not going to let my weakness stand it the way. I am going to boast about it because it is the only way to depend on His strength.
I'm not good enough. I am an admitted, forgiven sinner that is loved by the Creator, who died on a cross to redeem my soul. Because He saw that I was WORTH it.
I'm not where I need to be. Now that right there is a lie. I am where I need to be. I am deeply desiring to feel the arms of Jesus around me. I am seeking to lose everything that holds me back from being there.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Back in America, with grace to think about.
We made it back here. Back to the country of my birth. It's amazing how weak, confusing and painful it is to be pushed out of a comfort zone. Being in transition means being knocked out of everything you have worked to do and become, means being seperated from the people who know you best, who can vouche for who you are and what you mean to them. It feels like going from someone to noone. Of couse family and friends know who you were, and there will be time for them to get to know who you have become.
Another unfortunate affect of transition, of going back is how easy it is to revert to a much less evolved version of yourself.
Vacation mind is enmity to God. It doesn't have to be, but if often is. It's selfish, entitled, and lazy. It's idolizing rest and freedom and being "off the clock and off of life" and is easily enraged when those things are taken away. Either wanting that abundance of freedom to just let go is an idol, or being in the midst of it, and letting boredom become a way of life in that time is.
We who have grace can really lose track of what that grace means, and what it cost. We can construct a really beautiful idol that takes up the most space in our thoughts, conversation and search history. We can let the grace sit in the shadow of that thing, gather dust and eventually only become a faded funeral marker.
I have been thinking a lot about idols and I am so convicted that the things that cause the biggest reactions inside of me, that errupts out in my thoughts, words and actions, those are my idols. The things I think I deserve the most, the things I allow myself to worry about, the things that cause me to lash out in anger, these are the signposts to my idols.
If we call ourselves Christian, we wake up each morning to reaffirm our commitment to Him. We watch our thoughts and our words and our actions because we love him. Because the gospel is not something that is only for "those people who obviously need it." We are ALL "those people." The gospel is the only way to keep ourselves from getting rotten inside out. Grace is the cross we didn't deserve. Grace is a perfect life lived in really uncomfortable circumstances. Grace is the King washing dusty, poop stained feet. Grace is the opposite of a vacation mindset. Grace says, "I have received too much. What can I give you?" Grace see's the hurting heart inside EACH human, not just the ones we like or agree with, and loves them. Loves.
Grace will save me from myself as I navigate a culture I don't remember, as I miss my beloved family in Europe, and as I look to the future. Grace costs too much. Idols are worthless and too heavy and they weigh down all of life.
Let us throw off and far away every thing that hinders and holds us back and run with endurance, stamina and joy the race set before us, keeping our eyes only on Jesus, the finisher and perfecter of our faith, our life, our grace made flesh.
Another unfortunate affect of transition, of going back is how easy it is to revert to a much less evolved version of yourself.
Vacation mind is enmity to God. It doesn't have to be, but if often is. It's selfish, entitled, and lazy. It's idolizing rest and freedom and being "off the clock and off of life" and is easily enraged when those things are taken away. Either wanting that abundance of freedom to just let go is an idol, or being in the midst of it, and letting boredom become a way of life in that time is.
We who have grace can really lose track of what that grace means, and what it cost. We can construct a really beautiful idol that takes up the most space in our thoughts, conversation and search history. We can let the grace sit in the shadow of that thing, gather dust and eventually only become a faded funeral marker.
I have been thinking a lot about idols and I am so convicted that the things that cause the biggest reactions inside of me, that errupts out in my thoughts, words and actions, those are my idols. The things I think I deserve the most, the things I allow myself to worry about, the things that cause me to lash out in anger, these are the signposts to my idols.
If we call ourselves Christian, we wake up each morning to reaffirm our commitment to Him. We watch our thoughts and our words and our actions because we love him. Because the gospel is not something that is only for "those people who obviously need it." We are ALL "those people." The gospel is the only way to keep ourselves from getting rotten inside out. Grace is the cross we didn't deserve. Grace is a perfect life lived in really uncomfortable circumstances. Grace is the King washing dusty, poop stained feet. Grace is the opposite of a vacation mindset. Grace says, "I have received too much. What can I give you?" Grace see's the hurting heart inside EACH human, not just the ones we like or agree with, and loves them. Loves.
Grace will save me from myself as I navigate a culture I don't remember, as I miss my beloved family in Europe, and as I look to the future. Grace costs too much. Idols are worthless and too heavy and they weigh down all of life.
Let us throw off and far away every thing that hinders and holds us back and run with endurance, stamina and joy the race set before us, keeping our eyes only on Jesus, the finisher and perfecter of our faith, our life, our grace made flesh.
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