In Honor of those I'm sure gonna miss.

I feel like grief is something I was born into. The “what might have been” grief especially. If I had been able to not only meet but grow up knowing my loving, singing, prayer warrior Grandma. I have very clear memories as a child of my Dad just missing his Mom. Maybe he would hear a song that would make him think of her, or a memory would come into his mind, and then my Mom would notice and would cry with him and hold him. He was only sixteen when she passed away. My Mom would miss her Grandma and cry about how old age was stealing this beloved person's memories of the most precious times of her childhood.

And now I miss the child who didn't grow. And my Mom misses the grandchild she didn't get. Sometimes I feel like I can't cry, and feel so alone, and then I go online and read about complete strangers, who have gone through so much more than I have. Who have been able to hold and bathe and cuddle their babies before they died. I cry for them (looking up the #whathealsyou and #captureyourgrief tags) and I am connected to them and then I feel kind of guilty for assuming a connection since my story is so much less painful than theirs. Sometimes I feel fine and that I've finished being sad. Sometimes I think about how far along I would be. Sometimes the phrase, “When I was pregnant” comes to mind, and I feel hollow and heavy at the same time.

My friend Naomi, who I spoke about in an earlier post, lost her child. The girl she was expecting turned out to be a boy. I have wept and wept for her, and her husband, and for the baby. Tears and lifting her up are all I can do. (That and making ourselves available for those who are going through loss is all any of us can do for those we love.)  There are no shortcuts for helping people through grief. You can't pull all all-nighter. You can't expect it to follow a pattern and be over on a certain day. Anyway,  I check her blog regularly, and it always moves me. It's like choosing to pick up a balloon that you know is going to take you somewhere, but it is completely out of your hands. Boy, it must be late, I don't feel like it made sense. Oh well. I'm leaving it in.

On the day that I went to the doctor for a check-up, to make sure that everything is working the way it should after the procedure, I got the news that Ann Sieber passed away. I cried there in the hospital waiting room. Ann was always so happy to see us when we arrived back at the office. She was a prayer warrior, committed and faithful. She had a lovely smile and the twinkle in her eyes. I seriously never heard her complain, or say anything negative about anyone. What an amazing Christ-like lady. I met her the day after I turned 21, and saw her one last time in this world a few months ago, in July, when the Lord answered my prayer to get to go to Germany to see everyone at training before coming back to South Africa. I sure am thankful for that.

I miss so many people. I wish I could just pick up a phone.  I wish the road wasn't such a lonely place.  

Christmas in Sweden is our big hope right now. I haven't seen my Swedish family in two years, and I am so excited to meet my nephew. Once I meet little Leo, I will really feel like an aunt.

So that's what's up. No helpful updates, no information on what it's like in South Africa. (Life is life, you know. We eat off plates and work off tables and pack our suitcases and pack our vehicle, just like we've been doing on 2 other continents.) No deep impacts or insights. It's just the reality of grief and there's no need to sugar-coat it or just repeat the happier sounding truths like it makes things hurt less.

Hope seals our spirit's promises, but longing souls can only be satisfied by His filling.

What might have been does hurt, incredibly so. I just keep speaking the word Peace to myself, because it is a promise I have been given to hold onto.  

This is about pain.

Hello friends and prayer warriors and family.

I haven't shared about ministry in awhile. It's still happening, and I'm still blessed to do it. Even days after we found out that we lost our baby, we were doing programs. We were glad to have something other than sadness to think about, and the Lord opened up our eyes to amazing things he is is doing in South Africa. One of our first programs was in Gautang, at this place called Vastfontein Community.  These guys actually worked with Kurt and Cathy good friends and fellow ministers of ours, for many years in Japan. Since they have had such a long running time of ministry there, they were excited to connect on this continent. As he shared stories of the lives a lot of these children are living, taking care of younger siblings, starving, having to grow up incredibly fast, as the miracles that came by out of obedience to God in seeing needs, I was so moved.

Recently, we worked with a school in Cathcart, which is in the Eastern Cape. Our host shared with us this- I just copied this section from my weekly letter to my supervisors.

"He shared from his heart how much it hurts to see how the culture of ancestor worship and the methods of “becoming a man” are ruining so many lives. He told us how young men, usually around 16-17, but sometimes even as young as 12 go into “the bush” where they go to this school where they are brainwashed about what it means to be a man, and then they get circumcised by someone who is not equipped to handle this kind of surgery, and then they come back as “men.” Then they are free to have sex and do whatever they want. And it's a common situation for young girls to get pregnant, but the father will deny that it's his child, because that would dishonor his ancestors. He shared that about 50 young boys died last year due to infection caused from the circumcision, but they all flock over there to get it done, not noticing any connection.

It break their hearts how they see people who say that they are Christians, but walk around with so much fear of their ancestors. It's easy to blame why something goes wrong. I didn't sacrifice a beast when I was supposed to do it! Now I must sacrifice 3 of them. And a cow is a lot of money.

There are definitely a lot of strongholds here. "

It's so hard for the Christians there to  see others suffering, the kids they teach, and live with, and when they try to encourage them, what they hear in return is, "Oh, you are just being racist. You don't understand my culture. And they just want to shake them and say, your culture is killing you! You aren't respecting ancestors, you are selling your soul to the devil and he is laughing at you!

There is so much pain going on. It's good to be aware, and for me to share with you guys how you can pray for these things.

So often people come to our car when we are stopped and say, "I'm so hungry. Do you have any food?" There are so many people out of work, and so many people living off of a small grant that is given from the government when a baby is born. It's not enough for one person, but whole families somehow exist on it. 

And as I look for food to give and learn about the cultures and learn lines and find places to sleep, I carry this burden of my own. 

I finally shared on facebook about losing my baby, and a good friend said that it was unfair, and as I was thinking about that, I wrote this-  it's not about fair. It's not a justice issue. God didn't owe me this. One of my struggles has been why did he let me get pregnant in the first place, but it doesn't bother me anymore. I see that a lot of good has come out of it, and I don't hold it against God, or my womb, or anyone.

When I say it doesn't bother me anymore, that should probably have read, it doesn't bother me right now. Because I know this is not something you get over. I know I've got some hard times ahead of me, but I'll get through them.

Another facebook friend asked me if I had any insights or thoughts as to why some families go through this loss, and some don't. I wrote-  I think he takes the weak, the ones who might not seem so strong, and shows His strength through us for the world that doesn't have hope to see it. A host in Germany who actually lost her baby a few days after she was born wrote me and said, "And hard as it is: we can help other mums to go through it. We can show that we belong to Jesus not only in good times but also in the heartbreaking ones."

I think that goes for a lot of suffering. I read in a little book by Barbara Johnson that suffering is like a cake. If you take a big spoonful of flour and shortening, it will be disgusting. Stomach turning. But the Lord is putting all the ingredients together to make something beautiful, in His time. No, these ingredients do not make sense now. We just have to wait. 

Here's a quote from Barbara Johnson- "I find that people who trust God with their suffering have an invisible aroma of a freshly baked cake, that draws people to them. As Paul puts it, "all things (all the ingrediants of pain and suffering) work together for good to them that love God." When we believe that nothing comes to us except through our Heavenly Father, then suffering begins to make a little sense to us- not much, I admit, but a little bit, and that's all God needs to work in our lives, just a mustard seed of faith."

What is unfair is that so many don't have hope, food, shelter or love. Lord use us to lift this unfairness off the face of this earth. As Christians, our pain pulls a closer to His arms, and to each other for comfort. We cling to the promise that blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. 

Our pain awakens us to the pain of others and this enables our hearts to feel what the Lord feels all the time. He is constantly feeling the pain of the world, and the separation of those he loves. He is the hero in search of the lost sheep, and he won't stop until he finds them.  I better stop already, this is a novel now!

Lots of love you all,

Katie

My baby is not an angel! Isn't that great?

There is a comforting thought, or just an expression that there isn't a lot of thought put into, at least by Christians, that babies that don't make it out of the womb become guardian angels. That babies or any close family member that passes away changes into this.

I don't begrudge non Christians who say this. A lot of them don't know better.

I'm sorry for the possible offense that may occur, but I'm not sorry for speaking the truth.
The biblical truth is this. Humans are humans. Angels are angels.

We humans are weak creatures created from dust and a rib. Angels are powerful, huge messengers and warriors and worshipers. Probably other stuff too, but that's enough for now.

Anyway, that's not what I want to focus on. I heard some great teaching yesterday, and it touched me so deeply. I will try to share, and I pray that it will make sense and touch someone else the way it touched me.

There is this thing that people believe. In order to be accepted by God, I have to be good. I have to make myself better than I am. The Isrealites were in captivity for 400 years to the Egyptions. When they were lead out of Egypt, they had no idea how to be a people. When Moses went up Mt. Sinai, the Lord said to him, I am The Lord YOUR God. Not The Lord The God. Yours. Personally.

He was personal. He chose this people that had done nothing for him, that didn't yet know what to do for him. He gave the rules as a sign of the acceptance that he had already given. Rules are for family.

At that first passover, he was saying, "I don't just want to be your law-giver. I want to be your Savior. Do this weird thing and just trust me. Paint that blood on your doors and trust me.

Being accepted and chosen is what so many of us long for. And even as Christians that have a lot of head knowledge, it is still possible for us to be steeped in a lie that if we were better, we would be heard more, we would deserve to be heard more, would be loved, would be acknowledged.

He already chose us. We don't have to do anything. What we do is stand in awe of the grace, and act out of gratitude. That's where the works come in.

And here is the big beautiful, wonderful thing. A baby can literally do nothing but exist. Grow. When those arm buds begin to separate into limbs, they dance. When that umbilical cord brings nutrition, they eat. All they know is to expect and receive.

The Lord chose them! They get to enter into heaven, no strings attached because they exist. Because the passover lamb was just a symbol for Jesus, and his death redeemed all of mankind.

An unborn baby can do less than the thief on the cross, and this life is cherished and glorious forever, beyond what we can think and imagine!

I choose to celebrate the life my baby is living. I know I will have emotional days, but that's okay. Mourning is okay. Crying is okay. It's natural and good.

Thank you Lord that Vuyo is a person in your kingdom. Thank you Lord that a part of my husband and myself is in heaven. Thank you that I am accepted because of what You did, and that I have the hope of meeting him or her.

Mourning the baby I didn't meet.

Mourning sneaks up when you don't think it will. It's honestly harder for me to look at ultra sound pictures than to look at newborn pictures. It's harder to see baby clothes at stores than to see actual babies. (You still can't get me to stay away from babies, are you kidding? It's like you don't even know me at all.)

In the last week the emotion has sneaked up on me harder than the weeks right after finding out that our baby couldn't grow. It just smacks me against the walls of my small pitiful heart. I cry and squeak and wish that life was still there so badly.

I didn't get to hear a heart beat. I didn't get to watch or feel my stomach expand. I didn't get to see any movement on that screen. I just saw a black spot. But I signed up for all the email updates I could find, to learn what approximate fruit size my baby was at that week. I thought I had unsubscribed to them all, but then yesterday I got the "Congratulations, you are at week 12! Your baby is the size of a plum!" update email. And it hurt.

In my diary, I keep a running prayer of prayers for my life and ministry.

Here's the last few-

"Let your spontaneous love flow out of me to all others."

"Show me how to love as you have loved me."

"Teach me how to be a Mother."

"Lead me through balancing family and CP work."

"Heal my broken heart Lord, as I give this dream back to you."

 I know that tears are one of the methods the Holy Spirit uses to cleanse our hearts. I think we need to share our hurts and not feel ashamed of the pain.

My good friend Naomi is going through a really difficult time, and she is sharing her journey through a blog. It's very powerful and a beautiful depiction of having faith. I encourage anyone to sees this to check it out, and lift up her family in prayer.

Thank you for asking.

Hello.
Boy, how do I start this. I do really want to thank those that asked how I was. Especially around a month ago. That was a really hard time.
The strange thing is, the emotions are not so close to the surface. There is a memory of the excitement, the fear, the immediate loss, and the numbing as the disappointment floats closer to the surface. All my life I have wanted to be a Mom. From the beginning of July till the beginning of August, we were expectant parents. We nicknamed our baby Vuyo. That's a Zulu name and it means "Happiness."

We were not planning on this. We were taking measures to avoid pregnancy because, well, we are touring in a car in South Africa! It didn't seem like a thing we would want to try to make work. We were living in California, waiting for our Visa's to come through, in a time of chaos and indecision and wondering when it was going to happen, while getting into a routine there. A routine that we were really enjoying. Regular office hours. Long term hosts. Weekly zumba classes. In sunny, gorgeous, hot Southern California. This was the life!

Then I finally got my visa, and my husband had to go to Sweden to get his. While we were apart, I took my first test, and I was barely feeling the ground under my feet. Whenever I was walking somewhere, I would just whisper the words in my head, "There is a life inside of me, growing." I wasn't smiling, or joyful, or dancing. I was in quiet awe.

Days after that, I was on a plane to Germany, to be reunited with my wonderful friends there, and wanting to just blurt it out to everyone. I wanted to dance and shout and hug and cry with all of my friends there so badly. But I had always heard that you wait until the first few months until you tell. I got to a Doctor, and found out that I wasn't a few months along, I was just a few weeks. So, darn it, I couldn't tell anyone. I looked at that beautiful picture, that black tiny smudge so often. Dreaming of when it would look more like a person. Dreaming of so many things.

The next Dr.'s visit revealed that the baby hadn't grown. It was never going to grow. It's called a blighted ovum, and it's one of the most common ways miscarriages happen. The egg sac grows, but nothing inside of it does. I had to have a D&C, I had to spend 2 nights in a hospital because that's a normal waiting time for a simple 20 minute procedure like that in this country. I came back home (our office was also our home for our first month and a half of tour) and was thrilled to be out of that lumpy bed. And I hated my stomach for betraying me. I sometimes couldn't stand to touch it. Sometimes it still hurts, how much I wanted that baby. We hadn't planned on it, but we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that since the Lord had allowed this life to happen, He would take care of it. He would provide the support.

I was excited to see how the support would come, how cradles and car seats and clothes would be donated. I was planning on where to put the crib and where to put the changing table. Now the emotions come. Now my heart remembers that it isn't done breaking.

Now when people ask us if we have a family, either I lie and say, "Not yet." Or I am honest and tell the truth. We have a baby in heaven, and we know that we will meet him or her someday. We didn't lose our Happiness, we just have to wait to say hello in person. My husband whispered hello to my stomach, and prayed with his hand there every night. I prayed and prayed that everything would be alright, but the thing I prayed the most fervently for was that our baby would know truth, and would be guided by that truth, by the love of God, and would know that love personally. That prayer was heard.

I was Marten's first girlfriend, first kiss, first love. He never had his heart broken. And neither did our baby. We know we will have a family someday. In His timing. We still feel that loss. And mission life is discouraging, with cancellations and money struggles and all the frustrations that come with that.
We do need to be lifted up and for some literal breakthroughs to happen so that bills can be paid and we can not feel like all that we are capable of is failing.

We are on the road again, and are so thankful for the support we have recieved. From the people who messaged me and said that the Lord had put us on their hearts, and had prayed extra hard for us. For the few people we told who have held us up. And when we go back to Walkerville, there is a memorial tree waiting there. Denise bought it, took this picture, and painted the name on.
Her love and support made my heart feel so safe and protected. I am so thankful for her and Abigail and their love.

The bible verse listed is Psalm 30:5. For his anger endures but a moment; in his favor is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Amen.

Back in Gautang, South Africa, for over a month now.

Hello Friends,

I acknowledge I haven't written in a while. Not that anyone has asked. (Or wondered, most likely.)
We did get our visa's, and we we did get back. We are in the Gautang province, where our office is, and we are waiting on the Lord for a lot of things. Wisdom, strength, recruits. Hope for all of those things.

This has been a draining, emotional, and physically painful time. I thank the Lord for the way that his network is so much more complete than any man made thing. People have told me that they have thought of us especially hard, and have prayed, and that has meant the world to my husband and I. To be remembered, and told of prayers without even asking, it shows us in such a tangible way that we are in the palm of His hand, and He is good.

Other social media's feel more exposed, and frivolous. A place to share cat pictures and jokes and to see fierce political debates become tirades where no one is listening but everyone is critical. I feel fairly safe and invisible here. Also, pretty cool, because thanks to a 12 dollar donation from a lovely friend, this site is now a  dot net, and now I'm all legit as a website owner! Not that I have the time to acquire the skills to make it all pretty. (And I do not understand ads to try to possibly make a little money from it, so I have given up on that idea!)

What I mean to say is that I'm here, on this nifty dot net website, because any friends that would take the time to come here are here because they want to be. And if you have prayed for us, without knowing why, I thank you for being obedient and a true brother or sister in Christ.

God is good, and we have every reason to trust Him and what He is doing.

Don't forget that.

Katie

Feeling raw

Nothing makes you feel raw like having your iniquities spoken about. We went to a bible study yesterday and one of the questions asked was, "How would really seeing God's holiness affect your everyday life?"

Without thinking I responded with something along the lines of, Well, I would be forced to see how 90 percent of what I do is worthless, and I would be ashamed of my sins. I would see how disgusting I look in comparison to God and I would be on my face. I would walk with more of a perspective of how short the time we have is, and how many more people need to know that God is real and need a chance to get to heaven.

And speaking the truth and being able to rattle it off sucked the air out of my stomach and made my heart feel like a deflated bag.

This has been a lonely time. I have an office. I have a large computer screen. I have a phone. I have a place to sleep. I have food to eat. I get to borrow all these things while I live and work in Southern California, while I'm waiting to get back to South Africa.

What's inside of me? Who am I? Covenant Players can pride themselves on being able to answer that question a little bit easier than some people because we have a play and an exercise about answering that question. But I know that it only means that I have a few more answers reserved in my repertoire. It's not as comprehensive as it could be. It's a postive list of all the things I'd like people to know about me. It's a facebook presentable squeaky clean image of a really cool life and skills acquired.

A huge part of my identity is being a Covenant Player, of course. I travel, I do plays, I am a part of a small team that needs me. Sometimes when I am on vacation, I feel lost because I don't have those things to define me. And for the past three weeks now, I'm not doing any of those things. Who am I without a small team that needs me? That must be something akin to what new empty nesters feel like. I'd like to understand people better, and know what makes them feel like they have a purpose.

I know that the Christians purpose is a lot simpler than it is made out to be. Try to realize the Lord's holiness and be ashamed by it and get the focus off of ourselves and into the Kingdom of God.
I deserve less than I think I do. It's not about me.

Learning how to run

We're in California. There isn't anything we can do to hurry the paperwork that's in the mail that will enable us to get back to South Africa. I feel very hopeful about getting back. It's more than a little strange to be living something like a 9 to 5 life here. Obviously it's not, because I don't stop being a missionary when the clock hits 5, just like I don't stop being a Christian. That's just when we head back to our host home, and I get my exercise clothes on and start walking.

This is my habit for the past week. My habit during the week is seeing where I can be a blessing, especially trying to find a place to sleep for my friends/colleagues that are going to be traveling in my old neck of the woods. It's hard to not feel jealous of them, who are going to be ministering to my city, being so close to my family. To be able to share your passion in your own home, that is a huge gift. I'm jealous of my team in South Africa getting to do programs for schools and pre-schools right now too. I'm on the phone and in front of a computer with not much to look forward to performance wise for a little while now.

I don't mean to sound like such a whiner. I am learning how to run. That's a gift. I never thought I would get into that. It's amazing how slow a minute walked is, and how fast a minute ran is. To see the distance covered, to feel the relief in stopping. To feel my legs get stronger, and to be able to look forward to doing it again tomorrow.

My life has been so full of changes these past few months. Even more than the usual, expected ones. The ususal, expected ones being, new plays, new hosts, calling people like crazy finding a place to sleep, finding a place to perform, It's new things, but all around the world it works the same. But we've been learning how to spend longer than a few days, how to cook for ourselves, how to do dishes, how to sit still. It's strange and I know I have to stop comparing it to what I'd rather be doing. I have to be still and know that God is good and wants us here. I have to work harder to be a blessing and to not look inward no matter how natural that is.

Thank you for your prayers!

Back in the United States.........What?

Hello Friends and Family.

Few of you know this, but I have waited for my ministry's newsletter to make the news official before putting it here. My husband and I are back in the States. Dealing with Visa issues. We are in California and it is actually starting to feel real. It's been a few days. We need to get back to Africa. We will get back. God will do this, because God has called us. But for now, we are here to be a blessing. And for whatever other reasons He has. I'll try not to be presumptuous enough to know Why He does what He does.

 I sure do miss my team. I sure do feel like there's something I'm missing. I feel like I am camping in a valley, and I can see ministry happening on the mountains on either side of me, but I'm stuck looking at them, feeling more than a twinge of jealousy. It's no fun to be at the mercy of some dumb peices of paper that will allow me to get back to where I am supposed to be.

But I know that God doesn't NEED me. He can raise missioners up from the stones. The gospel of grace, the Word can reveal Himself in a dream, in a heart tugging, in a beautiful miracle of nature, a flower, a wave of grass, a selfless act. Anything can bring about a moment of indescribable joy where the Lover of our souls woos us into desperate love and there is no turning back.

I am with a ministry that seeks to bring people closer to that same Holy Spirit with drama. There are so many ministries. People that work to get women and children out of the sex slave industry in South East Asia, or poor kidnapped Nigerian women in France. People that smuggle bibles. People that reach underprivileged Brooklyn children with the truth of who Jesus is through fun energetic programs. People pour their lives out in radio, TV, books, websites. Some are stationary, some are traveling.There are those who recite the Bible, and dance it and mime it.  There are those who do the fund raising to be a part of making it possible. There are those who do the administration and accountability, the ones who cross the t's and dot the i's.

 And we seeks to be faithful and we seek to give our best and believe in what we are doing and love our team members and our spouses and each other and spread the commission that We all need to be doing something.

We all need to be out there, reaching out, aware of the storm. Of course the Lord could dry it all up. He could hold his hand up and calm it. But while we see people suffering, and we have the capacity to do something, shouldn't we WANT to? Shouldn't it break our hearts to see others go under the water?
I got this picture from www.missionsplace.com. It is called, "Who Cares" and was a vision by William Booth, the founder of the Salvation Army.

I thank you all for your prayers and for believing in us. If you'd like to receive a personal email or letter, please message me your email address or post address, and I'd like to send you information about how you can be more personally involved with us. 

Thank you and God bless you all!

Katie

Three days in Lesotho

So I should preface this by telling all that don't know- Lesotho is a country. I didn't know before I came to South Africa. It's small and exists inside of South Africa, like Swaziland.

We went there and like every new place, I perked up and just tried to absorb as much as I could. There are lots of people that live in South Africa and work there, and vice versa. People need to get their passports stamped each time they leave and return. You can imagine how quickly people go through passports that way.

So often here, things are so much the same but just that little bit different. Like, the lighting in shops is often much more dim (than the crazy burn your eyeballs fluorescent light in the States.) There weren't walls preventing anything interesting from being seen.

Anyway, we were looking for a petrol station and took a wrong turn. Boy, was that the most interesting wrong turn I have ever been a part of! We were in the midst of this market, with the shacks held together with tarp and rope and sticks and bricks on top of the tarp to hold the cardboard or tin slab roofs into place. The roads were uneven and some were just food, it's pretty common to see corn frying on little grills, and fruit stands. Men were standing around wearing balaklava's. I think that's what they are called-the masks that have holes for your eyes and mouth. It was late afternoon and not cold at all!

One booth had snake skins and birds hanging from ropes and random leather bits. It looked like nothing from an animal was wasted. Boxes and boxes were filled with what looked like bird nest material. I had no idea what most of the stuff was so I was straining my head to look. Then the few cars in front of us stopped and there didn't seem to be any way to turn around. I realized the radio was on, and I was missing out on the called out conversations in Sesoto, the language they speak there. So I turned it off and rolled with window down a little bit to just be a part of the world. A couple of nice guys motioned for us to roll down our windows and gave us direction about how to get where we needed to go. Thank you Lord for them. With people walking all around us, and with how narrow the street was, we were stuck!

The next few nights we stayed in a Pastor's house that has been empty for a few months. The lovely people there cleaned it all up for us. We were actually across the street from the residence of the American ambassador! I did want to say Hi, but I resisted the urge. We had such a blessed time there, and it was all over much too quickly.

Some other quick impressions- Taxi drivers honked their horns all the time! They just drove with their hand on the horn. They especially honked when they saw us. These were actual taxi's, not like in SA where it's a million people crammed into a van. The roads were really nice and smooth. (except for that market street!) Last but not least, it's warm and sunny and people are wearing coats and insisting that winter is coming. At church today I was wearing a short sleeved shirt and someone said, "Wow, you are dressed for Summer!" And I said, "Well, to me, it still feels like Summer!"

A good reason to love Jesus

I heard recently that one of the main purposes of the Bible is to find reasons to love Jesus. On your own. Not because we are supposed to. Not because we are supposed to want to. To learn about Him and let His character and His goodness draw us to him.
I've been reading in Luke, and this thing has been rolling around in my head for the past couple of days. James and John, the sons of Zebedee went to Jesus, in private. They had a plan to get some honor, some recognition. They asked Jesus for a favor. They started with, "Teacher, we want You to do for us whatever we ask." (Mark 10:35) It doesn't get much more pretentious than that, right? We've been following you, we've given up a lot. We have the right to get something out of this.

(Now maybe I'm twisting this all up, but this is what I'm reading. If anyone thinks I'm way out of line, let me know. I'm willing to listen to other opinions)

They corner Jesus asking for a vague thing, and Jesus says what any parent would say if their child came to them and said this. "What do you want me to do for you?" (36)(Although if I were a parent it would come across more as, "What do you WANT?" with annoyed sounds.

I wonder if these guys were pushing the other to speak, if they were sweating, if they were nervous, or if they were confident of what they were asking. They asked, "Grant us that we may sit, one at your left side, and one at your right, in Your glory." (37)

Now I'm not going to write it all out here. You can read it for yourself. What I love is that Jesus doesn't use His authority to lay them low, and call them out on the idiocy of that request. He doesn't give them a Job "Where you there when the foundations of the earth were being laid?" speech. He doesn't make them feel stupid. He tells them that this request is not His to give.

And the others are greatly displeased when they hear of this audatiousness.

But do you know what greatly displeases Jesus? When children are being brought to Him, and the disciples rebuke those who are bringing them. Let the little children come to ME. When Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased. I love a man who gets angry at people not seeing the worth and kingdom of heaven inside of children.

Subtle Pangs of Homesickness

These moments keep happening. It's so sweet and barely noticeable. It's the sigh that comes after a good hearty laugh from teasing, and the not-quite-formed lump in the throat saying goodbye to someone you've connected with in such a short time.

Our life on the road is filled with so many of these life giving moments. Today, we got a short notice appointment with a Pastor. The word appointment is much too formal, though! The Pastor was already visiting with a woman he considers to be a spiritual Mother to him. She's almost 88, and was a missionary from 1953, to the Zulu people in South Africa. She moved all over the country, they would put up tents, saw people saved, and then her husband helped build the physical churches to build up the spiritual church, and raise up the leaders to Pastor them.

It was so wonderful when I asked which languages she spoke, and then she said, "Swedish." And my husband just beamed as he spoke to her in his mother tongue, and we all just laughed in this wonderful beaming family-making boom as the unlikeliness of it hit us, two Swedes meeting each other in Kwa-Zulu Natal, South Africa. Or as everyone calls it, KZN. Kay-zed-en for you Americans reading this. There were little signs of Sweden all over the living room and Marten looked with so much appreciation at the little signs of home. The horses, the paintings, the knick-knacks. She even served Swedish cinammon roles. She lives in a small retirement home, but immediately took our housing need to heart, and offered her house in case nothing else could be worked out.

These are the kinds of things that form that lump in my throat. When people care. When they hug us after one cup of tea and make sure we have their information before we leave. I think that is a kind of homesickness in itself, just finding a home, for however short, and then having to leave it all over again.

We made wonderful friends in Swaziland and here in KZN over Easter. People that teased us and loved us and I miss them. I'm so excited to see contacts become family and to see them get excited about ministry. This is how it's supposed to be, I'm sure of it.

Today, I was trying to make housing calls, and The Lord did a pretty cool thing. Two or three people in a row couldn't hear me very well, and I was getting frustrated. I gritted my teeth and prayed and said, Come on God! You need to be faithful! I need to be able to do this. Make it work already!" And the next call was so crystal clear that it sounded like the guy was standing right next to me. He is funny.

I am so grateful to have friends all around the world, but I am so excited for that day when we will all be in the same place, enjoying each other and our Creator for eternity.

Observations of Swaziland

I'm here, the second country of my third continent. I'm in Swaziland. It's another world. No kidding. I thought Manhattan was another world. The feel of the sidewalks, following the shoe in front of yours, the shirtless models, the smells and screens from every angle, I thought that was different.

 Swaziland has dirt roads with cows going across them. Eating along the sides and crossing to the other side when they feel like it. It has "Supermarkets" with hand written signs displaying the costs. Women walk around with babies tied to their backs with blankets and huge baskets balanced on their heads. Chickens head's and feet are eaten. Normal houses aren't just guarded with fences and walls, but also with guards who sit there and open the fences to the communities and driveways until the people come home and they are off duty. A good chunk of the people don't have running water, and they have huge containers that the rain water is collected in.

The people are happy. A lot of them are believers. Our car is dirty, from all of these roads. We've gotten so used to bumping around on crazy roads, being on the highway almost feels strange!
We've learned to be thankful for things and I've learned to not judge why a person should be happy, and what they should expect. So often we want to fix a problem that is only a problem to us. Running water is a gift, yes. Being thankful for available water is a bigger gift. Using what is there, happily, and being faithful and thankful in every circumstance is a gift.

There are so many happy, hard working people here and in SA. I have seen so many people ironing, doing dishes, mopping, sweeping, doing everything with their whole hearts. People care about what they do, and how they do it. There is a good kind of pride and a stamina in the hearts of the people that resonates with me. People are not looking at what others are wearing, or judging by what kinds of things people have. They are just living, not looking back. I do like it here. I like seeing things I don't expect to see, and tasting new things, and suprising young Mothers by playing with their kids. (But I've done that everywhere else too!) I especially like that everyone speaks English! Thank the Lord!

Thanks for reading and for praying!

Katie

A Phophetic blessing in Witbank, Mpumalanga

Hello my friends!

I am so full, even pain feels sweet. The power of God makes life a gift in every state.
And those weren't even words I was planning to write. We are staying with a wonderful couple who have a powerful ministry of training up young people to pray and worship and intercede and operate in the prophetic.
They stream some live worship from a place in Kansas City called IHOP, International house of prayer, (not pancakes) and before we moved on to lunch, they said they wanted to pray for us, and if the Lord put anything on their hearts, they would say it, and the rest would be quiet.
I feel like something dead and useless and really heavy was plucked off of my back.
I hope I can do it justice, what he said. I want to share it because I believe it's not just for me. I know we can't impart an experience, because our relationship to Jesus is a garden enclosed. It's a private thing and some things are hidden like in any relationship, to be enjoyed and cherished alone.
The words are the only things that can be shared, but the meaning will ring in someone elses mind.

"I saw you standing with a dress on, and the dress was above your knees, and you made it, and you were crying on your bed, because it was all wrong, because it wasn't perfect. And Jesus sat next to you, on the bed, and pulled out a little box. And in the box were eyeballs. And he took your eyeballs out, easily, there was no blood, or anything and put the new ones in. And these new eyes were the eyes to see yourself the way God sees you. You are beautiful. You are beautiful. You are beautiful. And he is so pleased with you. And I saw that you were wearing a backpack, filled with responsibilities that are so heavy, and as you pulled them out, they were so heavy, your back was just hurting and sore from the weight. And as the responsibilities came out of the bag, they actually got bigger, and were 4 feet tall, and 8 feet tall, Just love him, let him be your first love. As you love him, they will shrink and be no bigger than coins that can fit in your pocket. You will still have them, things still need to get done, but they will be easier to do and to carry because the love of God motivates them.

It's just been a while since I felt God so near, and that there was a special word for me. We were all ministered to so much. The atmosphere is different. Thank you Jesus.

Be blessed,

Katie

Tombstones and table tops

I saw that phrase on a sign and thought it was so wonderfully bizarre it would make a good eye catching title. I've seen a lot of interesting thing. I've felt some strange things. Being the only white person, or one of two in a building filled with hundreds is strange. It's weird to feel noticed without doing anything.

There are a lot of things in this country that would leave a lot of tender hearted people weeping for a while. Children that are born to young teens for the meager amount of government given money that doesn't pay hardly enough to take care of one person. That money is supporting whole families. Grandma's take care of babies until they can no longer take care of themselves. d


I've learned a name-
Zuma- the corrupt laughing stock of a president that no one like but everyone keeps voting for.

Trevor Noah- a comedian who really makes a lot of attitudes and problems clear in a way you wouldn't expect.

Load Shedding- the semi-regular planned and warned about power outages.

In this world, the first world is living within blocks of the third world. It's not developing, it's getting worse. There aren't enough resources to take care of everyone and more come streaming in from other countries, living by illegal means, and killing those that would question that.

I've driven past those free houses, given by the government. They get a meager electricity usage. Like, two things can't be plugged in at the same time. Then they build shacks all around their house, with tin sheets and rocks to hold it together on top. They rent those shacks out to people from neighboring countries, and run illegal cables sharing that electricity.

People are desperate like that! And everywhere there are people without work, just laying down in the grass, doing nothing. There is a much smaller percentage working and paying taxes, and a much larger percentage that are expecting to live off of that. And a rich, fat leader who lives in a ridiculous mansion off of the tax payers money.

On the other hand, we have had two brai's in a couple of days, and that is Africaans for barbeque, so I think I'm going to stay here forever. That is some wonderful meat, I tell you what.

The more I learn, the more my heart hurts. The work on the phone gets discouraging too. The connection is bad, or they can't understand me. I keep hearing the voice in my heart saying, "Sow in faith. Sow in faith." And I force a grimace onto my face, willing it to be a smile, and I steel myself to stay postive for another call.

Results are in His Hands. There are a lot of longing souls here, People that are desperate to see reconciliation and forgiveness for what's happened here. To see unity between the people. To see changed lives and changed hearts. We can only thank God for bringing us here, for letting us be a part of His plan. It is an honor to serve the Lord, wherever He puts you.  Thank you for your prayers! We need them! Our ministry here is going through some challenges with bureaucracy and inflexibility in flawed systems, and we could really use some breakthroughs there!

This whole country is in need of a powerful breakthrough to get out of these broken revolving doors of ignorance and apathy and a crushed spirit that doesn't dare to dream that it can get better.

Bless them Lord. Let our hearts break for what is beyond our understanding, but not beyond yours.

We are now in South Africa

Hello my dear friends,

I am in Africa. I can hardly believe it. There are birds with long legs and bounce around and there are too many people trying to fit into one bus on the side of the road. There was a black lady that called me "Madam" yesterday. In a few weeks we will be touring in a car, and I have a whole new money system to get used to! Mårten bought a pair of shoes for R300. (R stands for rand) Which is a little under 30 dollars. The first night we were here, the power went out, and Denise said that happens quite frequently here. Fans are blowing all the time, and every window has bars on it, and a lot of people have gates and most have security systems and guard dogs. There are guard dogs here, four huge ones. They spend most of their time sleeping in the shade because it's so hot. If people want to try to send something via the post office, it might arrive between six months to a year later, if it arrives at all. Sneakers are called Tekkies. That's about as much interesting stuff as I can think of off the top of my head.

We've been here for almost a week. It's been an intense, jumping right in kind of week. We arrived late Wednesday, after a long day of flying. Funny how doing nothing but watching movies and dozing and reading can be so exhausting. Those are the kind of things I'd do on my own to relax on a day off. We had a program on Sunday, so we were busy learning lines and putting plays together for that.

We are at the office in Walkerville, which is near Johannesburg. We are kind of home based until the end of the month, when we will have to share our unit member with Denise, and go off by ourselves for a few weeks. Oh Lord, if you could send more people to us... It's the four of us, and it has been fun. Denise is a fabulous cook. And this building is big. I put together a house cleaning scheduale. I've organized a desk for myself. I've done a lot of organizing in the big old closet. I have projects planned for every room of the house. This must be really boring to read, this hashing of the domestic details of life. But it's what my brain has basically revolved around. Now Abigail and I are PRing and making housing calls, making plans to go to places that teams haven't been in a while.
Mpumalanga is where we have been calling today. Abigail dies of laughter finding places here and having me try to pronounce them. Mmm-poo-mah-lang-gah. It's not too hard. heh heh.

I said I'd let you know how you can pray for me, and here's a few things.

-That my poor brain can understand the accents of people here. I know, I'm American, I'm the foreigner, I'm the one with the accent. But I have trouble, and it's embarrassing to ask people to repeat themselves and still not get it.

-Open doors for ministry. We have empty Sundays from the 22 Feb- 6 March, and we want to find schools and nursing homes (over here they call them Aged Care Centre's!) and youth groups for the midweeks. We also need to find a lot of housing.

-Especially open doors in Swaziland! I want to do ministry in as many countries as possible, and it may be possible to go there! Swaziland and Lesotho are countries that are in within South Africa.

-RECRUITS. I know, I already said that. I guess I could add the thing I ask the Lord for everyday. That is wisdom. I have so much to do, I could work 24/7 at that desk I sorted out. And that is line learning and play blocking aside. I have a huge stack of recruit information to go through. I pray that someone in that bundle of papers is going to see how great the need is here and will be excited to come and fill it.

We are in Africa and I'm so glad you care to listen to me, and pray for us, and believe in miracles with us. It's going to be amazing.

Lots of love,
Katie

No closer to knowing

Hello there, World.

It's been a strange couple of days. Ever since it clicked in my head that this Sunday is our comissioning service, and I just need to get over there, I've been antsy and full of pent up emotion in wanting it. The lack of information as to when that will happen makes me want to jump on a trampoline angrily and powerfully until I laugh and don't want to cry anymore.

I am very thankful to the people that see me. I'm glad to be kept busy here, assisting the burden of my leaders. We got fingerprinted today as part of our background check to leave. I looked at my watch all morning, so excited to be doing SOMETHING  to make it all happen.

I lead a spiritual discipline that I'd never heard of until I was assigned to it last Summer. It's a contemplative, listening to God and introspective process that has five steps. It's always very humbling, and I always learn something about what's really behind my emotions.

It goes like this-
 -Become aware of God's presence.
-Review the day with gratitude
-Pay attention to your emotions
-Choose one feature from the day and pray from it
-Look forward to tomorrow

It's amazing how much our emotions show what is really in our hearts, and what is really affecting our actions. That point of choosing one aspect of the day to pray from often sounds like, "When I was impatient and rude at that moment, I was placing myself as more important than that person. Please forgive me Lord, and help me to have a more gracious spirit."

I like the last aspect because it is so hopeful. Tomorrow won't be perfect, but I will be closer to you, Jesus. Today I acknowledged that I am transitioning, and transition is stinking hard. Goodbyes, a whole new life. A new unit. A new culture and language. And we still need money for those plane tickets. I need a date to know when to prepare myself for the real thing. But I don't get it yet so I have to trust God and be at peace anyway. He is in control. I can sing it, but can I live it? I'm trying.

Thank you for listening, whoever you are. God bless you.

Katie

The big three things to pray for, right now.

Hi World of Friends and supporters!

We need prayer. The whole ministry needs prayer for specific stuff, and this is not even close to a complete list, but it's the big list for right now. These three things.

- Our minds to not get overwhelmed by the crazy changes

- Financial breakthroughs in terms of plane tickets and the logistics of us getting over there. There is another great lady who needs to go to Australia, as well.

-This all needs to happen really soon, too. Our commissioning service, (our sending out blessing service) is next Sunday. We really really want to be with our unit before then. This is a whole culture change, language change, everything change. There is so much to learn and I can kind of feel my insides churning with anticipation of how quickly things need to happen. It's a lot to experience. Thank you so much for your prayers and for coming along side us in this journey.

Your friend and sister,

Katie

The reasons why it's all okay.

Dear World,

Training times mean full days. Being a Covenant Player means a full life in general. It means a purpose-filled life. We get to be aware of how close we are in a way the early church was. Living in community is a part of who we are, and I have been so challenged to keep my eyes open and see people. Knowing we have something to do at basically any minute of the day. Lines to learn, food to prepare, dishes to clean, prayers to offer, plays to rehearse, classes to particpate in and sometimes to teach, plays to direct, and the list goes on. And now, we have some kids again! So there's a two year old who gets a lot of love from everyone,  a 6 year old that loves to have people be impressed by his feats of energy and speed, and a 10 year old who is content to read the whole time.

I have been challenged to not waste so many words, and I have been so excited to listen to people, to hear the stories and relish in the details. At banquet, the big new was announced, and before that happened, I was between worlds. Between the people I was starting to get to know and the need that we will be a part of filling. Wanting to leave and wanting to stay. There are so many worlds I could see myself in. Living in Utah, living in Sweden, touring in the Lewis and Clark area longer. Touring in Germany. Touring in France. When we were asked if we would consider this, it was so funny to me. I laughed and cried and felt so much. But the dominant emotion was joy. Having so many options and places where our hearts could be, (and have been) this was the first thing that made us excited in a long time.

We do still want to have a family. A lot of people who know me know that I really want to be a Mom. I have wanted to be a Mom my whole life and I still do. But I am at peace to put that on hold, and I know it's the Holy Spirit who is giving that peace. I trust Him to hold onto that part of my heart and give it back when the time is right. It feels like, if I were to have that overwhelming desire, it would be too heavy. The Lord knows the burden I am able to handle. And I am in my late 20's, and that is not such a big deal. I have known lots of people to have kids in their 30's. It's okay.

I wonder how quickly it all will happen. I want to go as soon as possible, I want to jump in and support my unit and supervisor. I want to love on them and be prepared to go out on the road in this brand new culture and language and people. I am excited and also a little bit tired of people asking me when we're going to leave. I don't know! I'll let you know when I do!

I do thank God for all of you that He has placed in my path. You are my treasure, you are gems in the crown that I will throw at His feet on that day.

Katie

The Cat is Out of the Bag!

Hello my Huge but paradoxially smaller world of friends!

It get's smaller every time. And sometimes I feel alone and then I think of how I do have friends, they are just widely spread out. It was a wonderful banquet, a great time of community and blessings and I will talk more about that later.

Today, the wonderful thing was finally announced, and I can be excited about it, and talk about it, and change this blog up and use my name and post pictures and use it as a resource for people to know what's going on, pray, and come with us!

So the big fantastic news is- my husband Mårten and I are going to spend the next two years in South Africa. I don't remember the last time I was this excited about something. So there it is! Let me know how you feel. Share your heart with me, and I'll be even more excited to share my heart with you, knowing there are people listening and caring and making the trip with us in their hearts.

We will need all the prayer we can get. I mean, that is always true, but we are determined to be a blessing for His Kingdom. We are determined to see miracles and be the miracle that someone is praying for. For such a time as this, we were placed upon the earth. To hear the voice of God and do His will, whatever it is.

This is such an exciting beginning. I feel the joy as more of a deep inside thing than a bubbly thing. It feels more secure and good. I know He gives the determination necessary to learn a language, to jump into a new culture. I know each challenge up to this point has been to prepare me for the next thing. To prepare the both of us, that is.

As I travel further on out, the world does get smaller. Japan will be  right next door as Kurt, Cathy and Susan get back on the road to go back there in a few days. Germany is in my very gut as some of the people I love most in the world are over there. Australia is around the corner with my dear Naomi and her new husband are finding their feet over there. I miss you so much, and I'm so excited to meet you, Abigail and our new missionier. Denise, I look forward to doing whatever you need me to. And eating your food.

 Here I am Lord, send me.

Your sister in Christ,
Katie

My first Covenant Players Christmas Party

My Lovely World of Friends,
This was a fun day. The anticipation of celebrating Christmas together was building for so long. We had the treat of seeing one of my favorite Charles M. Tanner plays, The Real Spirit. We played a rousing game of Jepordy with CP trivia.
The gift exchange was so much fun. I wanted to watch each person open their presents. I wanted to savor the moments of joy of discovery and so much sacrifice and anticipation in everyone's face.
Some points of the day I wanted to cry, thinking about the upcoming transition that is happening. I don't even know what to feel sometimes, but being between worlds is a feeling that I am so used to feeling.
Tomorrow is prep for our banquet. I am decorating my first table, and it is themed for a series of plays we have called "Tough Old Ladies" about these crime solving former missionary ladies. It's one of my favorites, but then, I have a lot of favorites. In 9 and a half years, I have learned and performed 447 roles. It's been an amazing time, and I'll be spending the next day, as I work, figuring out a way to express that, and my love and appreciation to the people that have supported me through it. Those present and those far away that had the determination to lead me (sometimes kicking and screaming) towards the growth that made me who I am today.

God is good.

Back in California- My 60th Blog!

Dear World of Friends,
I am at my host home in California. We mad it back, indeed. It was a long drive from Utah, but it was fine. It was especially great when I read to my husband from this amazing book called "The Body-Being light in the darkness" by Charles Colson. When the stories of prayer and extraordinary forgiveness and grace are told, the tears start to flow as I read. So many things just touch my heart. I love this book. I just want everyone to read it. I may be misreading this, but it appears to be one cent on Amazon. Buy it!
We all need to be challenged to remember that the church is not a building. And it tells the historical and spiritual story of the fall of communism from Eastern Europe. What a touching, life changing story.

So, tomorrow is going to be fun. We are having a Christmas party! We never get to celebrate Christmas together, as a campus, so we are doing it tomorrow. We're going to exchange presents too.
Soon we will have our banquet, and it will be a powerful time, because it always is. It is our chance to come together as a body and celebrate what God has done. One of my favorite things is scribbeling notes furiously as people share the beautiful and challenging and humbling things the Lord puts on their heart. We leave challenged as individuals and as a community. We were meant to live in community, depending on each other, and listening to what the Lord has to say united like that. I know there are churches and home groups that do that. I want to see more  people get to experience that kind of closeness, the way the Lord meant for it to be. It was so good to see our unit member again too. It's strange, living so closely for four and a half months and then being apart for almost a month. It gets more normal. Next mission will be my 20th tour. At the end of it, I will be celebrating 10 years as a Covenant Player. It doesn't seem possible, but it does. This life is full of paradoxical thoughts and sentiments.

Thank you for sharing this journey with us. Changes are going to be coming to this blog, and I'm excited to be jumping into it with new enthusiasm! God is good and He has good things in store!

We are blessed to get to serve Him together!

An impulsive blog

Hiya World.

The impulsive-ness of this letter is in how I was in mid wander/sort of my stuff when I realized I needed to write, so I opened up this computer, which is named "Segnen" (Blessing in German)
And plopped down on the floor, legs crossed and bags all around me. Directly in front of me is a big garbadge bag I have managed to almost completely fill. To the left of me is my "doofel" and my latest beautiful bag creation.  (It's a duffel bag that has this cute little sheep on it. It says, "Ohne dich ist alles doof." - "Without you, everything is dumb." It has little arrows pointing to things like the sun, maps, birds, trees, etc.) Behind me are the things that are going into the van tomorrow. To my right are the things I'm leaving behind in Utah.

I love having a fresh start. I love starting out a new tour uncluttered. I love knowing that everything I need is in my head and in my heart. I get this heart hungry excitement to think about what is ahead, and how I know God is going to use me greatly. I know it's going to hurt. I know it's going to be hard. But I know its going to be heart-achingly good. The best things are. The Pastor today spoke about getting to the next step with Jesus. And I know obedience in the big things is what brings us closer to Him. The leap of faith we get is what we reap later. Big faith, big miracles. But even if you feel your faith is small, at least it exists. With that, you can trust Him with that small thing. When we comes through, it grows. And as you read encouraging things, faith building things, and listen and believe, your faith grows as well. You can believe in great things from God today. You can trust Him.

In Him, my dear brothers and sisters.

Days are going by fast

Dear Friends Around the World,

This will be a quick post. I am lying in bed, writing to keep up my goal to write everyday. If I am willing to write quicker daily things, I will be ready to write and be aware of what I should write and look out for what is write-worthy and thought-worthy. I hope so, anyway.

My husband and I are performing tomorrow, with a big prayer request to end on. I still don't want to ruin things by sharing, so that worry is kind of in front of my mind. It's not an obsessive worry, but more of an awareness of the feelings I could hurt and the problems that could cause.

We leave so soon and there is so much to do. It feels overwhelming, and we'd sure appreciate prayers as the road trip comes closer and the boring logistics of things loom.

I'm ready to leave behind the snow and cold of Utah, but not so ready to leave behind my family again.

Be blessed!

The Reconciliation Process

Dear World,

I'm sitting in the room that will be my bedroom for a few more nights, before my husband and I drive to  California. I'm thinking on processes that deserve a lot of thought, and a lot more space than just one open letter.
Earlier today, I heard a really great sentence. Reconciliation is a process, not an event. Isn't that a great quote. Desmond Tutu said that. We want events to solve our problems, so often. We want an easy fix. An impossible one. We want to feel better, for the pain to be numbed.

What we actually need is a Grinch heart-growing to happen. I think that is one of the best Christian metaphors in Christmas movies. (Yep, I'm talking about Christmas on the Second of January. Get over it.)

For reconciliation, our hearts need to be bigger than they have been. The pain of someone else needs to invade that space.

I went to dictionary.com (Love that site) And some of the definitions that really jumped out to me included, to cause (a person) to accept or be resigned to something not desired: (He was reconciled to his fate). and to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistant: (to reconcile differting statement; to reconcile accounts). and, to reconsecrate ( a desecrated church, cemetary, etc.)

To accept that something has happened, that is a fact of life. To bring into harmony is the call of a Christian in a lot of ways. To be a peacemaker. To sacrifice personal comfort and desires when called upon to help someone with a need. To admit a wrong, to ask for forgiveness, to give back in whatever way possible. To reconsecrate.

Reconsecrate. What a word. I couldn't resist. I went back there.  To Consecrate-is to make or declare sacred; set apart or dedicate to the service of a deity: 
Each day, each moment is a chance to set ourselves apart for the Lord. To reconcile the hurting world to the heart of the one who can heal them.

 Paul wrote to the Romans in intricate detail about consecrating our hearts, and how our inner man is at war with the Spirit of God. Romans 5, check it out. 

I feel like there's a lot more I could say, but that I should leave it there, and maybe work on being a peacemaker in the real world outside of this screen. Our actions, words and attitudes are our choices of reconciling our hearts to God's will leading to life or our pitiful minds leading to selfishness (the slow death of relationship killing.)

Be blessed as you chew on these things and may the Holy Spirit let this make some sense!

You are well loved by your Creator, you know.

A few minutes past Day 1 of 2015

Dear BEAUTIFUL World!

Here I am, in a room I have spent quite a lot of time puttering around. I keep sorting and resorting. I keep putting stuff in a pile to donate and realizing that I can get rid of a lot more. It's amazing, being a missionary, and continually being stuck with the thought that I have too. much. stuff.

It's also strange to accompany "real adults" on tasks such as buying appliances. I've been on the road since I was a teenager. I am still shocked that microwaves and vaccum cleaners can cost over 600 dollars.

The scenery doesn't change while on vacation. The old do-nothing, be-nothing mindset hasn't gotten me too bad, but it does sneak in. Hand stitching has really been wonderful. This thing that I never thought I would be capable of doing has opened a whole world of creativity inside of me. I wish I could have raised more money for the Butte Rescue Mission by doing it, but oh well. It has kept my hands busy and has made me feel like I can make something again.

When you depend on your brain and need challenges, (and who doesn't?) Too many days without a challenge can physically drain you. I think we need to be more creative in coming up with challenges instead of excuses. We have recently got a great game called Dominion. We've been teaching it to my aunt, and she has been such a trooper in allowing herself to learn, to be challenged, and to welcome the ideas and strategy's to grow her. I love that attitude.I love that willingness to learn. It's the most important aspect of life we can have.

If you're done learning, you are done living. If you don't want to feel dumb for not knowing something, you are letting your capacity to learn die, and you are only going to get more dumb.

Thank you Lord for challenges that humble and expand us. I sure have experianced that over the past 9 and a half years of being in Covenant Players. And I hate to think of who I'd be without those years.

Be blessed in the growth that this new year will bring!