Crushing Therapy

If the me of a half a year could see the me of now- it would be disgusted. I have broken one of my cardinal laws of facebook. I have started playing a facebook game. I crush candy. The ovens are heating and the candy is being sampled right now. Before I crush it.
I am coming to an end in my life and it hurts and I hide from it with games and t.v. and my thoughts are so full. It's like a poem I read once about the joy of a small body being fit to burst. I am probably messing that line up royally, but the feeling has stuck. Too many emotions for one small surface. I am not a tardis, I am small and I don't have so much space. But the electricity of change and of being alive and feeling makes me feel infinite. It makes me feel like my soul is swireling around in my belly and surging and reaching.

My husband and I are going to the States this Christmas. I will not be able to call my country "The States" anymore. I will not be getting the looks of "Oooh, cool foreigner" when I announce where I am from. (I will still have to explain that yes, I am from Utah, but no, I am not mormon, nor do I share my husband with any other women.)

I feel like my world is going to get so much smaller being around people that so often refuse to see that the world is bigger. I feel sick about how I am going to miss my friends, but I don't want to let an unacceptance to change turn me into a difficult, whiny gollum who doesn't fit anywhere.

Change can't go without acceptance. Acceptance means, "This is it, This is where you are. You aren't there anymore. You are here. Here is good. There is not bad, but it is not anymore. It is a memory that can either help you or it can hold you back. Don't turn there into a sour thing, or a "good old days" It was all so easy and fun and perfect! Because that's just dumb.

I know the Lord is giving me wisdom and allowing me to feel a bit of a release, as I need it. I have never been a fan of the fast bandaid. I have needed it to feel real a little bit at a time. It still doesn't feel completely real. We are leaving Europe this month. Okay. I think I need to crush some candy before I cry.

I didn't say I'd reached total wisdom in this process.

Juicy spicy drama...

I am not giving up on telling the story (as the details excite me and seem like they deserve to have light shed on them) of the list of names that make up the geneology of Jesus. 

In fact, I want to go through some of the smallest details at a time. 

This takes place between Genesis 25-38

\Isaac had two son's, Jacob and Esau. Twins. Jacob took advantage of his brothers hunger one day and disguised himself as his brother per the advice of his Mother. 

Jacob fell in love with Rachel and was tricked into marrying her sister first. Didn't find out until the morning after. Leah was not loved as much as Rachel. (Rachel stole idols from her Father's household.)

Rachel was the mother of Joseph and Benjamin.

Leah was the mother of Judah, as well as Levi.

It was Judah's idea to save his brother Joseph's life by selling him as a slave. Everyone but Reuben wanted to kill him. The kid was always bragging about being the favorite and having dreams about his brothers bowing down to him. Not big on tact was he. 

I'm going to skip Joseph's famous technicolor story and stick to Judah, because He's the one actually in Jesus lineage. 

So looking at those facts- we see that Matthew Chapter one includes a con artist that gets conned, an unloved woman, and a man who participates in the slave trade. 

But it gets better. Judah goes and leaves his lovely brothers and finds a woman and has some offspring. Er, Onan, and Shelah by name. Judah gets wives for them. 

Er marries Tamar. Er is wicked. God kills him. Judah tells Onan to carry on the line of his brother by impregnating Tamar. Onan "cheats." God kills him too. 

Judah tells Tamar to wait until Shelah is old enough to be of marrying age. Tamar is forgotten. 

I love this part. Tamar gets sick and tired of being forgotten and she dresses up like a prostitute. Judah comes along and takes her up on her offer. He asks her how he can deliver his payment of a goat. She asks for a pledge until he can send it, and takes his staff. The most recognizable thing a man can have. And he hands it over and she changes out of her prostitute duds and puts her widow clothing back on. When the word comes that she is pregnant, Judah is ticked off and is demanding her death.

She brings out the staff, and says, the Father is the owner. And he said, "She is more righteous than I, because I did not give her to Shelah my son." And she had twins, Perez and Zerah. 

Judah slept with his son's widow who was dressed as a prostitute because he didn't keep his promise. And there are people out there that think it's a boring book?! 

I know I'm not usually one to fish, but it sure would help me to feel more motivated to do this if I knew people read it and got some feedback now and then. Thanks for reading and I pray it blesses and inspires someone to pick up a Bible for the first time or to get back into it.