Boy, how do I start this. I do really want to thank those that asked how I was. Especially around a month ago. That was a really hard time.
The strange thing is, the emotions are not so close to the surface. There is a memory of the excitement, the fear, the immediate loss, and the numbing as the disappointment floats closer to the surface. All my life I have wanted to be a Mom. From the beginning of July till the beginning of August, we were expectant parents. We nicknamed our baby Vuyo. That's a Zulu name and it means "Happiness."
We were not planning on this. We were taking measures to avoid pregnancy because, well, we are touring in a car in South Africa! It didn't seem like a thing we would want to try to make work. We were living in California, waiting for our Visa's to come through, in a time of chaos and indecision and wondering when it was going to happen, while getting into a routine there. A routine that we were really enjoying. Regular office hours. Long term hosts. Weekly zumba classes. In sunny, gorgeous, hot Southern California. This was the life!
Then I finally got my visa, and my husband had to go to Sweden to get his. While we were apart, I took my first test, and I was barely feeling the ground under my feet. Whenever I was walking somewhere, I would just whisper the words in my head, "There is a life inside of me, growing." I wasn't smiling, or joyful, or dancing. I was in quiet awe.
Days after that, I was on a plane to Germany, to be reunited with my wonderful friends there, and wanting to just blurt it out to everyone. I wanted to dance and shout and hug and cry with all of my friends there so badly. But I had always heard that you wait until the first few months until you tell. I got to a Doctor, and found out that I wasn't a few months along, I was just a few weeks. So, darn it, I couldn't tell anyone. I looked at that beautiful picture, that black tiny smudge so often. Dreaming of when it would look more like a person. Dreaming of so many things.
The next Dr.'s visit revealed that the baby hadn't grown. It was never going to grow. It's called a blighted ovum, and it's one of the most common ways miscarriages happen. The egg sac grows, but nothing inside of it does. I had to have a D&C, I had to spend 2 nights in a hospital because that's a normal waiting time for a simple 20 minute procedure like that in this country. I came back home (our office was also our home for our first month and a half of tour) and was thrilled to be out of that lumpy bed. And I hated my stomach for betraying me. I sometimes couldn't stand to touch it. Sometimes it still hurts, how much I wanted that baby. We hadn't planned on it, but we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that since the Lord had allowed this life to happen, He would take care of it. He would provide the support.
I was excited to see how the support would come, how cradles and car seats and clothes would be donated. I was planning on where to put the crib and where to put the changing table. Now the emotions come. Now my heart remembers that it isn't done breaking.
Now when people ask us if we have a family, either I lie and say, "Not yet." Or I am honest and tell the truth. We have a baby in heaven, and we know that we will meet him or her someday. We didn't lose our Happiness, we just have to wait to say hello in person. My husband whispered hello to my stomach, and prayed with his hand there every night. I prayed and prayed that everything would be alright, but the thing I prayed the most fervently for was that our baby would know truth, and would be guided by that truth, by the love of God, and would know that love personally. That prayer was heard.
I was Marten's first girlfriend, first kiss, first love. He never had his heart broken. And neither did our baby. We know we will have a family someday. In His timing. We still feel that loss. And mission life is discouraging, with cancellations and money struggles and all the frustrations that come with that.
We do need to be lifted up and for some literal breakthroughs to happen so that bills can be paid and we can not feel like all that we are capable of is failing.
We are on the road again, and are so thankful for the support we have recieved. From the people who messaged me and said that the Lord had put us on their hearts, and had prayed extra hard for us. For the few people we told who have held us up. And when we go back to Walkerville, there is a memorial tree waiting there. Denise bought it, took this picture, and painted the name on.
Her love and support made my heart feel so safe and protected. I am so thankful for her and Abigail and their love.
The bible verse listed is Psalm 30:5. For his anger endures but a moment; in his favor is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
Amen.
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