I sure hope I didn't make a mistake

Catchy title?
As thoughts for this blog were floating around my head, I realized I may have made a huge mistake, the kind of mistake that turns people away from looking into Christianity, and makes them miss the God of love and peace because of me. Because of my stupid humanity, my stupid flesh trying to come across as all knowing and without any problems. With all the answers and no doubts, unaffected by hard questions and hard situations in life.

I know I have "preached" out of certain passions, out of a deep desire to choose the Lord and truth over more convenient acceptance of the lies of this world. I have shared out of my convictions and my passions, my experience and emotions. And I plan to keep doing that, because I'm not going to neglect the gift that God has given me.

But I need to be clear that I don't have all the answers. I don't read the bible with pure, unadulterated understanding. I read it everyday and more often than not, I go, "Huh?" and then I move on, hoping that the next thing will make sense.
I struggle against bitterness, disappointment, judgement, anger, and the list goes on. I struggle with it. I acknowledge it. I get bothered by what I read in the bible sometimes. I struggle to understand the "why's" of the way God is and how He chooses to work.

But I think it needs to be said- it's okay to struggle. If we aren't- we aren't close enough to be bothered. If someone doesn't let us down, we didn't have enough hope in them. If something doesn't bother us in the word of God, we aren't letting it in deep enough. Because dang it, it's not supposed to be easy. Trusting God, who is so huge and complicated. Reading about the horrific history that Jesus's lineage came out of.
I could be wrong about this, but it seems to me that what some call faith is really just a willful ignorance of things that aren't being looked into properly, wrestled with and acknowledged properly.Things hurt. People hurt. Truth hurts. Love really hurts. God's love hurts because it expects so much out of us.

There's a lie dominating that if something doesn't feel good, it must be bad. That only what feels good must be right. This is an opposite black and white piece of propaganda crap.
Read Galatians. It's an itty bitty book, just 6 chapters. (It's right there after 2 Corinthians and before Ephesians.)
This is a book that talks about being crucified with Christ. ...the life which i now live in the flesh I live by faith in the son of God. (Ch. 1 vs. 20)

Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are; adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions  heresies, envy, murder, drunkenness, revelries, and the like, of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in times past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering  kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let is not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another. (Ch. 5 vs's 22-26, emphasis mine)

Is this coherent at all? I want to say that it's hard, but it's worth it. God is love. Real love, and He changes us for the better, into complete, happy fulfilled people. It takes time, and it takes constant wrestling. But anyone that's been in a healthy relationship knows that it's like that. Marriage is not easy. I never knew how much capacity I had for selfishness and inflicting pain until I got married. Oh Lord, bless my husband.

 There is a great quote from Charles M. Tanner from the play ANYBODY KNOW THE WAY? and it goes like this, "It is not necessary that you understand. If you understand and trust, that is wisdom. If you do not understand and trust, that is faith."

I hope I have not pushed anyone away with my desire to show the Lord, and to encourage with some answers and wisdom that I have accumulated and want to share. I don't know it all, but I know the one who does. He loves you so much. He wants to hold your hand and give you strength, by giving you joy, even though it seems like there isn't any reason to have joy. He wants to show you real love, because nothing that a human can give will fill you like His can. He knows you more intimately than any person could, because he created you and knows your every thought, word, and motivation. And He still loves you, even so.